Trinsic:State of the Union/Chapter 15

From Dead Pigeons Society

Chapter 15: Whodunnit

"As we join our heroes, we find them on the verge of solving this case, once and for all! WHO is responsible for all these shenanigans!? WHO, I ask you!? WHOOOOO!?!?!?"

Mallory is still heading quietly over to the barrel.

Marissa is still working on untying Connor.

Connor glances around worriedly, afraid to breathe for fear of accidentally shaving off his own head.

Mouse doesn't flinch.

Connor stares at the boiler. "Hurry up and get me out of here! That's thing's going to blow any minute now!"

Marissa hurries, pulls out her dagger, and starts cutting.

Doing her best to stay quiet (it's not hard, given the amount of ominous creaking and shuddering the boiler is making), Mallory sneaks over to the barrel (sneak, sneak, sneak). It looks like an ordinary wooden barrel, complete with lid. She hefts her hammer, then quietly opens the lid, though she keeps her head away from it for the moment while she does so.

Rilvard: "How big would the explosion be?"

Andir: "DON'T TALK ABOUT EXPLOSIONS!" Andir is looking over the controls rapidly, trying to make sense of any of them.

After a few moments of Marissa's sawing, the rope finally breaks. Connor looks like he would love to immediately jump to his feet and dash over to the boiler, pressing buttons and turning pressure valves... but, Mouse's axe convinces him otherwise. "You have to let me up! If this thing blows, it could easily shatter the lava tunnels. The whole of downtown would be flooded!"

Marissa blinks, momentarily stunned. "Uh... yeah..."

"People would be engulfed, and die horrible, painful, excruciating, graphically-violent deaths!"

Andir: "That's nice, now can I help somehow, or should I stand here entirely without being able to help?"

Rilvard: "Singing will help!"

Mouse: "Who tie you up?"

Being careful to not expose herself to whoever might be in the barrel (though not being as careful to avoid splitting infinitives), Mallory tugs at the lid. It comes off easily.

Andir: "Mouse! Let him up!"

Mouse: "Answer!"

Mallory jabs her hammer into the side of the barrel so it shakes. *thump, thump* Hmm. Normally, she'd expect more of a "thonk, thonk" sound from an empty barrel. Sounds like something's in there, alright.

"Answer what!?" Connor is shaking now, and almost looks like he's about to break down and cry.

Mouse: "Who tie you up?!"

Marissa sighs and tries to tug Mouse away from Connor.

Mouse ignores Marissa.

Mallory: "All right, you in the barrel, come out before I stick my hammer in there and thump ya, then sort out the pieces later."

Marissa uses a Grappling Hook to strengthen her grip.

Mallory: Silence. Then...

...more silence. Then...

...just a tad more silence. Then, a small pair of hands emerge from the barrel, raised upward in a position of surrender.

Mallory grabs one of the hands and pulls it up, fishing out... a rather familiar-looking dwarf. He looks considerably more sober than she remembers him, and a lot more angry.

Red fumes. "****."

Rilvard: "A-ha!" Chucky declares.

"Right, we've got the culprit, now back off, Mouse." Marissa says calmly, more worried about the threat of death than who the culprit is.

Andir: "Mouse, that's who tied up Connor! Now release him so we can get this thing under control!"

Mouse: "Fine, but he kill us you no blame me."

Andir: "Fine, deal! Connor, get over here!"

Mallory: "Anyone wanna come over here and tie this one up instead?"

Red dangles sullenly from Mallory's strong grip like a hairy pinata. He looks up at her. "Screw you."

Connor jumps to his feet as Mouse finally lets him go. "Thank goodness." He scurries over to the boiler controls.

Connor looks up at Andir. "This is going to be tricky. If I don't vent this thing, we're all toast." He starts pushing buttons and turning valves.

Marissa runs over to Mallory and pulls out her rope. "OK, what do I do?"

Andir: "Now, how can I help?"

He points to a series of valves on one side. "Turn each of those when the indicators light up."

Andir gets in position to perform said task as directed.

Mallory shakes Red a bit before letting him down. "Just hog-tie 'im."

Marissa: "Uh... right..." Marissa replies. She gets down on her knees and starts tying Red up.

Rilvard goes over to help tie Red up.

Mallory: "'ere, use this." Mallory hands over her own silk rope.

Marissa: "Ah, thanks," Marissa says, then starts tying him up with that.

"Hey, HEY!" Red protests loudly, as Marissa and Rilvard bind him up in a classic hog-tied pose. Given the short length of his limbs, the visual effect this creates is hilarious.

Chucky chuckles to himself.

While this spectacle is going on, Connor moves like lightning, bashing buttons and pulling levers like a minimum-wage McDonald's employee trying to work the Frappuccino machine. Andir jumps in as well, turning the release valves as indicated. With each valve, the boiler lets off a burst of magical-smelling steam, and seems to settle down a bit.

Andir: "How close are we to getting this thing under control, Connor?"

"Almost... got... it..." He pushes a final few buttons, then sighs a relieved sigh. "There, that should do it." Sure enough, the boiler seems to be calming down quite a bit, only occasionally giving off hisses of escaping magic steam. ...steamagic?

Mallory: "Phew. We saved Connor and the city, got a cool suit of armor, and I didn't even die once. Life is good."

"Heh heh!" Andir turns to Red. "All right, Red, what's this all about?"

"An explosion would've been a more exciting conclusion," Chucky comments.

Red grumbles. "What do you THINK it's all about?" He spits at Connor. "They FIRED me, and this... this LAMEBRAIN took my job!"

Andir waves a hand in Chucky's general direction, sending a magical slap from Mage Hand at the puppet without even turning around. "So you were going to wreck the mine AND the city for that? Haven't you ever heard of an unjust termination lawsuit?"

"Yeah, well... hmmph." He pouts.

"Alright, let's take this guy down to the police station," Marissa suggests.

Andir resists the urge to slap him silly. "Did someone pay you to cause mayhem and destruction? So he took your job! Big deal! Come on, man! Why'd you do it?"

Rilvard points at Red in an accusatory manner. "He's lying! What are you hiding from us?"

Mallory: "Don't make me beat it outta ya." Mallory pauses. "Actually, I dunno, I'd probably like beatin' it outta ya."

Red looks worried. "What? No, I'm not lying!"

He looks at Mallory (who grins evilly), then sighs. "...ah, crud. Okay, fine."

"You really want to know?" He sighs. "...I'm actually a follower of Groglar."

"There's a secret Groglarian temple buried in the caverns beneath this mountain. When the mine was opened, those bastards at DrillGood tore right through the place - they destroyed the temple, looted the artifacts."

Mallory: "...Groglar?"

"The followers of Groglar decided to just leave it be, but I couldn't abide by it - I swore I'd get revenge, by destroying the mines, and DrillGood itself. Even if it meant leveling the city to do it."

"I joined the mine workforce, got the job as union leader, so I could get access to the boiler and blow it up. But I got demoted before I could do it..."

He frowns. "When the labor dispute started, I realized that if I could get the miners to strike, they'd abandon the mines. I'd be able to get down here undetected and blow the boiler sky-high."

"So I had that... JERK, kidnapped, so the negotiations would break down."

Connor looks angry. "Yeah, well, for the record, you stink at taking dictation. Take him away, boys!" He gestures. "...uh, and ladies."

Andir laughs. "Let's go... we've got a jerk to throw at the cops."

"With pleasure," Marissa smirks. "'Groglar.' Hah!"

Marissa grabs Red by the arm and pulls him along.

Rilvard: "Actually..."

"Ow, OW!"

Mallory: "Come quietly, or I knock ya out and carry ya. And, yeah, Rilvard?"

Rilvard: "I want to hear more about this 'Groglar'... It sounds like a good story."

---SOME TIME LATER---

By the time The Party emerges from the mines, the crowd outside has gone from "angry" to "bemused", wondering what all the shaking underground was about. Connor wastes no time in jumping up on a conveniently-placed soapbox nearby, announcing his presence to the crowd (to cries of "Hooray!"), and informing them of the situation.

On the way out, Andir pays the man his due and takes his hat.

Andir recovers his hat from Not Andir, who has fallen asleep leaning against the rockface near the mine entrance. Dragging Red behind them like a vampire-duck-on-a-string ("Ow, OW! Watch the gravel!"), they proceed through town to the police station.

Andir enters the police station, then holds the door open for those that followed behind. "Gentlemen, I bring you Connor's kidnapper and attempted saboteur, Red!"

Mallory enters and stands behind Andir.

Marissa follows, stepping to the side and showing off Red.

The desk guard blinks. "Say what now?" He looks at the hog-tied dwarf, and grins. "Heh! Not the most graceful of arrests, but certainly entertaining."

Rilvard also walks in.

Connor steps up to the desk. "This man kidnapped me. Twice. And turned me to stone. And threw me in the bay."

"And nearly destroyed the mines, and flooded the city with molten lava."

Andir: "Nearly flooded, that is."

"And..."

"Whoa, whoa, alright, enough already." The guard motions, and two other cops move to grab Red and haul him away. "We'll call Seymore and the DrillGood folks and let 'em know."

Leaving Red in the... capable?... hands of the police, The Party detours to the beach long enough to pick up the discarded plate armor. From there, they head off to the bar for a celebratory round of drinking (and stand-up from Rilvard) before heading home.

"So, thus ends another case. Think that'll mean we'll get more soon?" Andir puts an arm around Mallory.

Mouse claps Connor on the shoulder, "Sorry about almost killing you, buy you drink?"

Mallory: "Hope so, I'm always in the mood for more money and excitement."

Marissa sighs. "And now DrillGood goes back to mining and destroying the land... I almost wish this hadn't ended."

Connor shrugs. "Sure, what the hell. After all I've been through, I could use one."

Andir puts his other arm around Marissa. "Yes, but think of all the destruction we just averted, Marissa."

Marissa smiles up at Andir. "I suppose that is true, isn't it?" She reaches over and kisses Andir on the cheek. "Thanks for letting me in on this."

Mallory smirks at the smooch.

"You like mead? Sweet but has good kick." Mouse buys a round for the party.

Andir grins, then adds, "You're welcome, Marissa. Now we'll just have to see what other hugely destructive event we can avert next. Let's have a drink on Mouse."

Connor gladly picks up his mug. "Yar!" He proceeds to unceremoniously chug it down.

Mallory picks up her mug and holds it out as if in a toast. "Thanks for helpin' with that door, Mouse. I hate gettin' squished ta death, it's always so painful when it happens..."

Mouse downs a few drinks before scanning the accumulated celebrators for someone to fight or make out with, possibly both.

"To Connor McDennisson, who survived two kidnappings and still helped us save the city!" Marissa offers the toast.

"Here, here!" Andir clinks Marissa's mug and takes a drink.

Mouse: "Hurrah!"

Marissa downs half her glass in one big gulp. "Aaaah... that hit the spot."

As the bartender goes to get more drinks, Andir feels a poke on his shoulder. Seymore is standing behind him, looking as businesslike as usual.

Andir turns around, then says, "Ah, Seymore. Good to see you."

Marissa looks back at Seymore and waits for it.

Seymore nods. "Excellent job, my friend. Have you seen the paper?" He hands a copy of the Starboard Scribe to Andir. The bold headline reads:

"Union unified! Boiler bandit busted!"

Andir reads the article aloud to the group, which will likely be glossed over by the DM.

"Earlier today, minor earthquakes rocked the city, sending citizens into a brief panic. Information later surfaced that the incident was the result of a disgruntled mine employee, threatening to destroy the town."

"Police have arrested a Mr. Red Herring, 126, on suspicion of causing the incident, and of kidnapping union leader Connor McDennisson, who was rescued earlier today."

"A union spokesman went on record stating that the situation has been tidily resolved, due primarily to the efforts of local private detective Andir E'Hobara, whose investigation ultimately led to the rescue of McDennisson."

Seymore nods. "You've done well, Mr. E'Hobara. I've arranged for your payment to be delivered to your office in the morning."

Andir: "Perfect, thank you, Seymore." He extends his hand for a handshake. "I'll look forward to that payment, and if you have further work, don't hesitate to send me a message."

Seymore shakes your hand. "Certainly. You've proven yourself quite capable, and I shall certainly call on you in the future should the need arise."

Andir: "Thank you very much, Seymore. Now, let's have us a party!" Andir raises his glass high.

Mallory raises her glass as well.

Marissa does too.

Rilvard raises his glass, and Chucky raises a miniature glass.

Andir: "To good business and better friends!"

Mouse raises a bottle.

And so, as our heroes toast to themselves and their mission, we're left to ponder their fates.

Will Andir ever be taken seriously as a PI?

Will Mallory ever be on speaking terms with Death again?

Will Marissa succeed in making a difference, or will she collapse under the soul-crushing weight of the sheer futility of her environmental crusade?

Will Dae ever get into Marissa's pants?

Will Mouse ever get paid?

Andir: Let's see...

Mouse: "I Better!"

Will Rilvard become Lazryzort's newest comedy sensation?

Andir: No, no, yes, no, no.

Andir: ...maybe.

Marissa: Heh.

Will Chucky leave the act over creative differences?

Marissa: Yes.

Andir: Depends on the contract.

Well, tough luck, because none of those are going to be answered here, and certainly not by this DM (at least, not yet).

Tune in next time for Trinsic IV: The Voyage Gnome.

Same bat-time, same bat-channel!

*iris out*

*suddenly, sounds are heard over the black screen*

"Mallory, no! You're not supposed to mix those drinks toge--"

*KA-BOOM!*

".....somebody get the mop."

Andir: *cough cough* "MALLORY! Quick, scrape the bits back together!"

Marissa gapes, turns, and runs away. "Run away! Run away!"

Suddenly, a lawn gnome pops out through the black screen.

"Th-th-th-that's all, folks!"

*Looney Tunes ending theme plays*